DMT MEMORIES

When I was seventeen I went on a Tinder date which was

already a bad idea but the worst part of the idea was that

I smoked a cone except in retrospect it wasn’t the

usual stoner sort of cone it was a cooker kind of cone

& I coughed for like ten minutes straight & got these

flashing visions of this guy’s Tinder profile picture &

realised he was so ratty like if Alvin & the Chipmunks were

rats anyway I don’t think I’ve been less attracted to anybody since

& I went & stared into the bathroom mirror & saw myself but like

my past self my child self my not-self my too-much-self yeah

I still don’t know how to explain that one but I sure saw something

& then I lay down on the deckchair outside & saw nothing

just this big blinding whiteness & I forgot the English language

these words floating around in my head but I couldn’t quite grasp them

& I couldn’t quite move either & a second felt like forever &

this ratty ratty boy sat down next to me & said haha I thought we

were gonna fuck but we’re just smoking coooones boy if

that was a cone I am the pope of Rome or maybe I am dead

I am definitely probably dead oh wasn’t it nice this life thing

isn’t it so far away & I am disintegrating into space with all these

flashing pixels in my brain like 80s video games but I’m not playing

I’m not doing anything but perceiving this hellish mystery beyond

the space time continuum & I have no business doing that thank you

I have no business being part of the cosmos quite yet I have

shit to do & suddenly I lurch back into existence again with this

erratic sort of spasm oh such a sweet hint of autonomy & it’s

only been like five to ten minutes actually don’t quote me on that

I have no idea cos I spent it in a place where time was not

but time is nice actually & having a body is nice actually

& I suppose this wack weed was cheaper than DMT so I guess

you could see it as a sort of cheat code even if seventeen is

far too young to experience death beyond death & space beyond time

but we’re getting titty-fucked by skater boys who taste like tobacco so

I guess this dissolution isn’t the worst thing we could do.

HAHAHA BABY

HAHAHA BABY

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS

BUT YOU HAVE GOT ME IN A PREDICAMENT

SEE YOU ARE NOT THE MUSE BUT YOU ARE A MUSE

& YOU OPENED THE COMMUNAL MUSE DOOR

SO THE BIG DADDY MUSE COULD EMERGE & SAY

HAHAHA GIRL YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ME

THE MUSE IS FUCKING ME FROM BEHIND

TILL POETRY COMES OUT MY EYES

THE MUSE IS SUCH A GOOD LOVER OOOH THIS IS SUCH

MUTUTAL SATISFACTION BUT DON’T LET THAT FOOL YOU

THE MUSE IS DOMMING ME THE FUCK OUT BUT THEY’RE

GOOD AT WHAT THEY DO

I AM COMING ON THE MUSE’S FAT COCK

ACTUALLY I FEEL WEIRD ABOUT GENDERING THE MUSE

THE MUSE IS ALSO A WOMAN BUT RIGHT NOW

I AM COMING ON THEIR FAT COCK

THEY ARE CHOKING ME OUT & THEY KNOW I LIKE IT

I CAN BARELY BREATHE

HAHAHA BABY

NEXT TO THE MUSE YOU LOOK SO CUTE BUT ALSO

MAYBE I AM PROJECTING YOU ONTO THE MUSE

& YOU WILL ALSO FUCK ME FROM BEHIND

TILL POETRY COMES OUT MY EYES

OH WAIT I’M ALREADY CRYING

ECSTATIC SLUTTY TEARS YOU KNOW

NOT SLUTTY FOR SEX SLUTTY FOR THE FACT THAT

I’M A FUCKING GENIUS & YOU ARE JUST

COINCIDENTALLY CONTRIBUTING TO THAT RIGHT NOW

JUST KNOW THIS BABY WHEN YOU GET ME NAKED

THE MUSE IS GONNA BE IN THE CORNER

SMOKING A SPLIFF & JUST WATCHING.

COMPLEX

You give me your emotional labour

like dirty laundry

I fumble so exhaustedly for another spare gold coin

I only have fifty cents

is that enough for the machine

it’s not enough for the machine

which is me

the machine’s been breaking down.

& maybe in another life I’d have really liked 

just doing laundry & taxes with you

but we’re not in another life we’re in this one

where you need a mother &

I want Daddy

what do I want to do with you?

free therapy

& the kind of shoulder rubs that feel like all your

bones breaking back together

along the very axis of your spirit

I want to spit in your face but make it romantic

you trip cos where did this

Oedipus shit come in

honey check your complex

check your pockets

for all the dust from your defensiveness

you left lining the lint

What is it that you want from me

when your fake apathy & fear of intimacy

momentarily take a seat

cos I cannot give you everything

just a bit

just the little you can chew

do you honestly think I want a life with you

when it makes me this sad

& happy, simultaneously

two flavours that don’t match but

go so frustratingly well together

flipping between the hemispheres

of our cosmic mania

baby I’m getting dizzy

can we find some stillness in this vertigo?

Can you tell me what to do & where to go?

cos tryna keep up with your downs is getting draining

all my friends say

girl why are you waiting

for some guy who makes you wait

wait, no really

let me show you the man I can make

from this boy

when I have fed him every lesson

like cake out of my hands

him not missing a crumb

& coming back for breakfast lunch & dinner

every day

don’t worry this is a poem not anything too literal

I only feed him in metaphors

but he has been starving for twenty-four years

& has only now realised how good it feels to eat

a real meal

at a real woman’s table

he has my poetry on his hands & he

reads it like the Bible

like a morning prayer

he is so scared to be vulnerable but well

we don’t have a choice

he is so terrified to be anything less than a man

but baby there is no schedule for growth

so let’s just tangle with this chaos together & take our time

there are no rules, the future will wait, there’s only today

so darling what would you do if

I told you I loved you

fight

or flight

or stay?

Devon Webb (she/her) is a writer & editor based in Aotearoa New Zealand. Her award-winning work has been published extensively worldwide & revolves around themes of femininity, vulnerability, anti-capitalism & neurodivergence. She is a staff writer for Erato Magazine & Pulp Lit Mag, an editor for Prismatica Press, & a founding member of The Circus (@circuslit), a collective prioritising radical inclusivity within the indie lit scene. She can be found on social media at @devonwebbnz.